Onasagoras
Little Nikos (Nikos Christodoulides) greeted the latest Mafia State developments with visible discomfort, while his beloved blonde Madonna (Annita Demetriou) appears to be facing a dilemma. Even so, it is widely assumed she will not cast aside the nation's honorary elder statesman unless — and perhaps until — a court delivers a final conviction with an official judicial stamp. As for our national Fox (Averof Neofytou), he was reportedly spotted in Argaka stroking his cat with a mysterious Mona Lisa smile.
Meanwhile, the Presidential Palace is busy assembling its army of new anonymous trolls — essentially the usual suspects masquerading as unknowns. Influential social media accounts are now regarded in politics much the same way drones are regarded in modern warfare: decisive weapons capable of determining the outcome of the battle. Some have already begun firing at the petite queen (Annita), though word from Pindarou Street is that "the guards are fully aware" and that this time the Hill's hybrid warriors will not catch them sleeping.
So, the Attorney General and his deputy have been excluded from the much-discussed investigation into the findings surrounding the book Mafia State. I've heard the word "excluded" so many times over the past few days that I now have Angela Dimitriou's old hit stuck in my head: "Excluded—and also self-excluded—are your thick hair, your big eyes, your strange lips that burn like fire."
Speaking of fire, summer has now officially arrived. The sun has started melting stones, and our villages, which just a few weeks ago were lush and green, are now surrounded by dry grass that needs only a single spark for us to relive last year's nightmare. On the bright side, the Cypriot furnace should finish off foot-and-mouth disease, which apparently can't survive these temperatures. One does wonder how our ancestors managed before air conditioning.
The trial of the monks from the Avvakoum Monastery continues, with their lawyers once again revisiting the rather unorthodox manner in which they were removed from the monastery on that infamous day when hooded men allegedly dragged them out and prevented them from returning. Whatever happened to that investigation, by the way? Were the masked men ever identified? When will they be put on trial? Unanswered calls everywhere, especially at Police Headquarters.
If the police are struggling to locate them, perhaps they could ask some of the people who were reportedly present, including the leader of a parliamentary party and a former senior police official. We'd appreciate an update. Or, failing that, a well-timed leak.
Taxi drivers are increasingly frustrated. Tourist numbers are down, fuel prices are up, operating costs continue to rise, and illegal competition remains a headache. Difficult times for princes and taxi drivers alike. My nerves, my pills, and a taxi out of here.
Our national clown (Fidias Panayiotou) attempted to explain his different stance on a recent European Parliament resolution, compared to Cyprus' other MEPs, by comparing Turkey to an unfaithful spouse whom you can't divorce because of the children. Or something along those lines. I couldn't make it through the entire explanatory video because somewhere along the way my last surviving brain cell burst into flames.
Meanwhile, Irini Charalambidou is demanding that Christodoulides prove he is not dependent on Nicos Anastasiades. It depends, of course, on what kind of dependency she means. The whole thing brings to mind Haris Alexiou's classic song: "It depends; you tell me, it depends." And what dreams would you have in a world that doesn't pity you? Tell me, young Nikos.
And finally, Trump has worked his magic yet again, sparking a diplomatic incident with Italy after claiming he took a photograph with the Italian prime minister because she begged him to and he felt sorry for her. Oh Lord, have mercy.
The future of the planet depends to a considerable extent on a man so combative and so profoundly undiplomatic.
That is genuinely terrifying.
