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12° Nicosia,
13 June, 2024
 
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Cypriot society: A landscape where pizzas outpace police

Navigating the underworld, ministerial prayer meetings, and the unlikely style of Averof Neofytou

Onasagoras

Onasagoras

We live in a society where pizzas arrive faster than the police, once remarked French director Claude Chabrol, and I fear this holds particularly true in the case of our state. Unfortunately, unlike the Cypriot Police, the Cypriot underworld operates like a Swiss watch.

The new Minister of Justice, Mr. Hartsiotis, will have a daily teleconference with the Chief of Police. It remains unclear if, due to the minister's theological background, prayers will precede these discussions. After all, if the Almighty doesn't intervene, salvation seems unlikely.

I heard a police official stating that while they are aware that hotels, restaurants, cafes...are forced into extortion to procure specific products, not a single official complaint has been filed.

I heard a police official stating that while they are aware that hotels, restaurants, cafes, and other businesses are forced into extortion to procure specific products, not a single official complaint has been filed. Perhaps the protection offered by the underworld is more effective than that of the Police? Meanwhile, numerous operational issues plague the e-Justice electronic justice system of the innovative government. Jesus Christ.

Some individuals hacked the phone of Andros Kyprianou, forcing him to post on X, mentioning that someone was sending messages on his behalf through Fiber! Obviously, due to oversight, we assume he meant Viber. In any case, we hope that the hackers are swiftly identified and not affiliated with Surveillance.

Cyprus lacks credibility in any sector. No, this statement doesn't come from an enemy of Cyprus trying to diminish us out of envy. It was uttered by the short man with the tie, the minister, and, if nothing else, we must congratulate him for his honesty. Such self-criticism hasn't been heard since the late Clerides labeled us a Banana Republic, and we were scrambling for fig leaves, or at least banana leaves, to cover our nakedness politically and otherwise.

Mr. Stuart declares that there have been violations in the Buffer Zone 'from both sides'! Oh dear. Remember when we spoke about the policy of equal distances and equating the perpetrator with the victim? The government spokesperson, of course, stated the classic, 'Mr. Stuart's reference could have been more... objective,' while Tatar said the expected – that the United Nations favors the Greek Cypriots! Good wines and smooth maneuvers. Because, Mr. Letymbiotis, in the end, objectivity is quite subjective.

The last stronghold is falling. In the unofficial semi-autonomous statelet of Paphos, the only area in Cyprus' free zones without cameras, their installation began this week. Let's wish them good revenue.

Equality Commissioner for Two Genders, Josie Christodoulou, stated that it will take 86 years for full equality between men and women to be achieved in Cyprus. That means, based on her calculations, it will happen sometime in 2110. We said, let's do some self-criticism, Josie, but you have self-negated, my girl.

Two days ago, I saw a photo of Averof Neofytou next to the cauldron somewhere in Argaka, reminding me of cowboys in the Wild West (of Akamas) lighting a fire and preparing to cook the buffalo they just killed. Today, I see his photo again in a lifestyle column, wearing a bow tie. And the rogue carried it off well. Ultimately, our Foulis is fit for both the saloon and the harbor. For his stylistic choices, he gets a yes from me. His style rocks.

[This article was translated from its Greek original and edited for brevity and clarity]

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