Who set Troodos on fire? Spoiler alert: It wasn’t the trees’ fault

Let me kick things off with two completely unrelated questions: When exactly are all 13 mobile desalination units finally going to start working? Will it happen before summer ends? And what’s going on with our Prometheus, still docked in the port of Malacca? Because honestly, that’s how I’ve been feeling lately. Also, stick with me till the end, because I’m going to reveal who’s "really" to blame for all our disasters. Just a little patience, please.

So, the much-anticipated reports are finally in, the ones that were supposed to tell us what went wrong and why we nearly torched the Troodos mountain range. And lo and behold, it turns out... everything worked like a Swiss watch! Which, of course, means no one was at fault. Not even bad luck. All the relevant departments and emergency services performed "excellently." We should start polishing the medals.

Now, sure, there’s some finger-pointing, classic Cypriot behavior, but in the end, everyone seems to agree: the main culprits were dry grass in the fields and...brace yourselves...trees in the forest. Makes sense, right? If we just chopped down all the trees, no more forest fires! Must I really be the only one thinking ahead here?

To those of you poking around the Ministries of Public Order, Agriculture, and Interior in search of accountability...think again. There’s now a coordinated campaign to pin the blame on the Finance Minister. No, they haven’t (yet) claimed lightning caused the fire, but fingers are now pointing squarely at 'Keravnos' (yes, it literally means ‘lightning’) because apparently, he didn’t approve enough funds to hire more firefighters. Ping! Bullseye!

Seriously though? That’s like saying Cyprus’ public sector service is slow because we "don’t" have enough civil servants, when we’ve already got the most per capita on planet Earth. It’s not the chaos or mismanagement, obviously; it’s just that people are overworked from... doing nothing. The real winner in all this? The unions. Who now get to push for even more staff so every position has its own assistant’s assistant. Help me, helper.

Meanwhile, the President seems totally satisfied with how things went down, so much so that he sees no need for a cabinet reshuffle. But just to be safe, he wants to bring in American experts to tell us what went wrong. But didn’t our local reports already explain it? It was the dry weeds. The trees. The sun. The dry winds. Influencers in bikinis being too hot. It’s your fault, our fault, everyone’s fault, including Hatzipetris (of course!). Everyone except those who were actually in charge, those who were busy celebrating how “prepared” we were, some of them toasting from the safety of... Australia.

And we all know what will happen with the American experts’ report. Same thing that always happens when we bring in foreign consultants. We pay them...handsomely...for their recommendations, only to toss those recommendations straight into the recycling bin. Remember the whole local government reform? They suggested Cyprus should have just five municipalities. And what did we do? In classic Cypriot fashion, we managed to squeeze 13 deputy mayors into the village of Polis Chrysochous alone. Thirteen! For one village! (Could that number be any unluckier?) When the Americans arrive, someone please tell them that...and do record their reactions with an invisible camera.

And now, as promised, the reason Keravnos (the minister, not the lightning bolt) might end up being blamed not just for the Limassol wildfires but maybe even the Mari explosion and the 1974 coup. Why? Because he refused to cough up €25 million (just the beginning, billions later) for the much-hyped and highly questionable ADMIE undersea cable project. So, if you hear that Keravnos is being forced to resign, just know it won’t be a lightning strike out of the blue.

*This op-ed was translated from its Greek original