Martha Kehagias
In a stunning turn of events, Cyprus is officially set to become the 51st state of the United States of America. The decision comes after Canada, widely regarded as America’s ‘hat,’ firmly rejected Washington’s proposal to join the Union. Faced with the need for expansion, the U.S. pivoted to the Mediterranean, where Cyprus eagerly stepped up.
"Haven’t you ever noticed that Cyprus kind of looks like the U.S.? It was fate!" proclaimed one anonymous White House official. As part of the transition, Cyprus will now be known as America Junior, and the Mediterranean Sea will be rebranded as the Sea of America.
President Nikos Christodoulides is currently en route to Washington, D.C., on an emergency flight to finalize the historic agreement. According to inside sources, the deal was sealed over a meal of burgers and fries, a gesture meant to symbolize Cyprus’s swift embrace of American culture.
Meanwhile, President Donald Trump, taking credit for the diplomatic triumph, compared himself not to Constantine the Great but to Alexander the Great. "Alexander spread his empire all the way to India. I’m spreading it all the way to Cyprus! Some say it’s even more impressive!"
Newly enacted U.S. laws in Cyprus will include the immediate banning of cricket, a sport deemed "too British" for America Junior. Furthermore, British spellings such as "colour," "favourite," and "metre" will be strictly prohibited, with violators facing a fine of $1,776 per offense in honor of America’s independence. "You spell it ‘honor,’ not ‘honour’! We’re bringing freedom to spelling!" declared an ecstatic Senator.
As expected, Cypriots have mixed reactions. While some embrace their new identity as Junior Americans, others are concerned about what this means for halloumi cheese tariffs. However, officials assure that everyone will be welcomed, provided they can barbecue and pronounce "aluminum" correctly.
As the news spreads across the world, one thing is certain: the American dream now stretches further than ever before. U-S-A! U-S-A!
April Fool's!
