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12° Nicosia,
18 July, 2024
 
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Averof's podcast musings and the flip-flop chronicles

From Middle Eastern flames to pedicures at RIK, Cyprus’ political scene keeps delivering

Onasagoras

Onasagoras

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear. Averof has appeared on a podcast again – how does he manage to do it all? – to question why they are celebrating 24 percent when they considered 26 percent disastrous during the Presidential elections! Well, my dear Foulis, perhaps because 24 percent came with a victory, while 26 percent came with last place and elimination? In other news, in the previous European elections under your leadership, DISY garnered 81,000 votes, and in the chaos you and the unnamed one created, Annitoula managed to bring in 91,316 voters. Not bad, as they say in Argaka. Speaking of which, has Christodoulides taken over our village again, sir? You can't even control Argaka?

If this Hassan from Hezbollah keeps threatening us, we should send Phidias to put him in his place. Let's not forget that Fidias was in the Cyprus Special Forces. Once upon a time, Cyprus was a small and insignificant island. No one took us seriously. But a year and some with our young Nikos at the helm, and we feel like we are at the center of the world. Even in the crosshairs of Hezbollah. And we're not going to be afraid of an organization whose members walk around in flip-flops.

Speaking of flip-flops, RIK urged employees not to come to work in flip-flops. But how else are they supposed to go to a place that is just a part of their relaxed, year-round vacation?

In the midst of all this, AKEL came out criticizing the government for its pivot to the West. They could have pointed to the benefits brought by the Non-Aligned Movement, or Mother Russia and the blond race we expect to save us. EEC – NATO, the same union.

Speaking of flip-flops, RIK has issued a notice urging its employees not to come to work in flip-flops. But how else are they supposed to go to a place that, for most of them, is just a part of their relaxed, year-round vacation? I would simply tell them to at least ensure they have a tasteful pedicure.

Meanwhile, half of RIK's leadership pyramid is – officially or unofficially – either suspended or under investigation for financial and other irregularities. I'm not sure taking off the flip-flops will solve the institution's problems, just as I'm not sure banning mobile phones will solve our education system's issues.

Abbot Nektarios (of Avvakoum), who recently moved from his cell in the monastery to a jail cell, says he funded Metropolitan Isaiah with thousands of euros – black money and undeclared. In one instance, he claims he sent a black bag with the code phrase “your pills, Bishop” to avoid detection. My nerves, my pills, and a taxi to leave. If this story becomes a series, it's definitely headed for Netflix. My spy van informs me that inside the Metropolis, through a movable bookshelf, there is a glamorous seven-star restaurant where Isaiah's Russian partners (oops, sorry), donors organize lavish parties with a budget of 1,000 euros per person. Anyone who doubts this, there are names and invoices. Cash is king.

I read that Putin fired the deputy defense ministers and appointed a relative. So, all of you accusing our young President of nepotism and cronyism can now be silent, because as you see, others follow the same pattern. Everyone envies us and everyone imitates us.

[This op-ed was translated from its Greek original and edited for clarity]

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Cyprus  |  opinion  |  politics  |  snarky

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