One call away: The President, the contractor, and the ‘girlfriend’ line

Apparently, there are “foreign fingers” behind all this, from countries that are jealous of us and can’t stomach our cleverness or the fact that we legitimately won the European Presidency. And because it’s better to lose an eye than your name, those nasty fingers orchestrating this scheme? I’m going to cut them off. And honestly, I smell artificial intelligence in this video, because judging by what we’ve heard, there’s not a trace of any other kind of intelligence.

While the rest of us are wondering who caught us like naive little mice in a trap this time, Mavroyiannis claims the Russians were holding a grudge, thinking Christodoulides had sold them out. Whoa. Combine that with the timing of the European Presidency and Zelensky showing up on our little island the day before, and that finger starts smelling like vodka. And everyone’s wondering: haven’t we learned anything from the Al Jazeera debacle?

Our national contractor, Chrysochos (Gold), to demonstrate just how chummy he is with the President, reportedly described their relationship as, “He is like my girlfriend!” — yes, Gold girlfriend, we’d say. He went on, proudly, “If I call him now, he’ll pick up” (thankfully, he didn’t). At this point, Philippa was surely furious, since the president doesn’t always answer her calls! Unanswered calls everywhere.

Cyprus is changing, though, and you can see it from Christodoulides’ initial, and very restrained, reaction. The President, Gold girlfriend, said simply, “Anyone with evidence, submit it.” I have a video on my phone, Mr. President, where do I hand it in?

Credit where it’s due: the Presidential Office has proven itself a master at rebranding. Political kickbacks are now called CSR (Corporate Social Responsibility), and greasing the wheels for favorable treatment of companies is now labeled “President’s projects.” But if Mr. Pambos leaves as director of the Gold girlfriend office, please don’t let him go to Defense; he might spill everything over Zoom to the Turks.

Elsewhere, Mr. Lakkotrypis, who was at the center of the costly Vasilikos fiasco, said he caught the president’s attention by mentioning a €75,000 offer from an interested investor. I’m really curious how those involved will justify that line. Of course, Mr. Chrysochos knows silence is golden, and he has the right to remain silent.

A newspaper columnist had previously described Christodoulides’ brother-in-law, Charalambous, director of the President’s Office, as incapable of running even a kiosk. Yesterday, she publicly apologized, expressing admiration for his ability to coordinate such a complex process involving mysterious investors, suspicious cash, and opaque donations. Well earned, indeed.

Georgia Yiokka, daughter of a priest like Phidias and famous for her erotic-educational OnlyFans channel, says she’s ready for direct democracy. Fine by me. Our political scene now wears the badge it deserves, shamelessly. And I sit back, nostalgically whispering the chant we once shouted at the stadium: “You turned a model team into a bordello.”

The happiest person about the fallout from the bombshell video is probably Nikos Sykas. The likely scandal over presidential kickbacks and the national contractor monopolized every political conversation, which means his partner’s allegations, ultimately withdrawn with a collar, are already nearly forgotten. And well done, Sykas…

Artificial intelligence is when a computer creates a video. A little, or almost zero, intelligence is when paid trolls try to justify a video that is clearly authentic.

*Read the Greek version here.