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12° Nicosia,
13 June, 2024
 
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Cyprus News Digest - From river beautification to billionaires' bargains

A sarcastic spin on the stories making waves in Cyprus this past week

Onasagoras

Onasagoras

It's been a while since we heard about inaugurations from our president, so this one deserves special mention: this week he attended a "riverbed landscaping project inauguration ceremony." Not for the Jordan River, as it's outside Cyprus and we haven't started inaugurations abroad yet. The river in question is called Kamara, and surely after the inauguration, we'll... admire it, landscaped!

Our young Nikos, after the Kamara Riverbed project inauguration, heads to Lebanon for the Migration issue. Let's hope he doesn't go with our private jet because if aspiring migrants see that, they'll think we're super rich and more will come. To show them that we're struggling too, he should go with an economy flight and a small 10 kg carry-on.

At AKEL, they're still thrilled - even ecstatic - about the visit of the General Secretary of the Communist Party of Greece, Mr. Koutsoumpas. He, in turn, was impressed by the ideological and architectural renovation of our former Red Party. It wasn't revealed whether members of the Social Alliance attended the meetings. Either way, they lived well, and we better, while the portrait of Ezekias Papaioannou looked on with a furrowed brow.

At an event held at the White House to celebrate Greek Independence Day, the American president, to show his philhellenic sentiments, took the microphone and said, "I'm Joe Bidenopoulos." Yes, just like Papadopoulos. Will someone next year tell us they're Donald Trumpopoulos?

Although Anastasiades is no longer president - and thus may not be in very good financial shape anymore - he gave a nice envelope at Mavrikiou's wedding with Ilaira, as stated by his godfather. Someone told me they put a Bitcoin in the envelope, but my black surveillance van hasn't confirmed the information yet.

Public servants in Paphos illegally transferred thousands of Turkish Cypriot-owned land to themselves. Unfortunately, many are having parties with Turkish Cypriot properties, explaining some people's allergy to any form of solution. Is it time to admit bitter truths and stop hiding behind our fingers?

A Cypriot among the richest people in the world, I read in a newspaper headline, and immediately I thought how right Zeus was: our economy is flying. Our compatriot's name is Vinod Adani, and I think he comes from Dali and we were soldiers together in the Artillery. Such compatriots make us proud, unlike the sly Jhe Low.

Makropoulos sang on Friday at the DIKO Dance. He was brought by our national prince Papadopoulos a few days after the US president said he was Bidenopoulos! Was Sizopoulos invited too? In any case, names ending in -poulos are becoming a big trend. Should I become Onasagoropoulos too?

In other news, a big bargain is happening for the acquisition of the Hellenic, and how much will the mastermind ''Eirinarchos'' sell his share for, whose profit of a hundred million or so isn't enough for him? Did anyone ask the other (poor) shareholders of Demetra when they'll finally get profits after all these years?

[This op-ed was translated  and edited from its Greek original and aspires to retain the ironic nature of the author's writing]

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